Bring on the Sassy

I just love our daughter to pieces.  It still hasn't hit home that her baby brother will be here in about a month.  There's not a day that goes by where Trey and I don't turn to each other and just laugh or shake our heads at how funny, adorable and sweet she is.  She's sassy as all heck, too, which I sort of like.  She's potty trained now, which is the best gift in the world to get before the baby gets here.  People always say how these early years just whip by, and I know it's true.  I try to slow down and really look at her each day and commit phrases she says to my memory, but I know they'll fade.  But my goal as she grows up is not to be sad that these early days are fading, but to really relish what each new year brings. People warned us about the terrible twos and we've had the best time ever with her this year.  Then people say the bad things about kids is that they grow up to be teenagers.  I really hope I can take a deep breath when she's a teen and appreciate the things she throws my way.  We don't have kids to have babies forever--we have kids so they can grow up and not need us.  So that's my goal--cherish these early days, but don't kick and scream and whine as they slip away out of reach.  It's exciting to see the baby layers get peeled back and see what lies beneath.

Sleeping Cece

We've gotten into the habit of lying on Cece's floor while she drifts off to sleep at night or naptime.  I'm sure some parenting expert somewhere would have something to say against this, but the earth is still spinning.  She's never spent the night in our bed, which to me would be a huge inconvenience.  Trey and I barely say hello some days because he's heading out the door to go to work just as I'm coming home from work, so the idea of then sharing our bed with Cece would really put a wedge between us.
Anyhow, tonight as I was lying on her floor, I was at first anxious, wanting to get up and get stuff done.  My mind was flipping through it's hyper to-do list as usual and I was nervous if I laid there long enough, I'd fall asleep like I often do and wake up at midnight with an aching back.  Instead, I just took a deep breath and realized just how precious that time is with Cece as she drifts off to sleep.  I sneak peeks at her as her eyelids get heavy and she dazes off into the distance with her nightlight casting a shadow on her face.  Her little chest takes in heavy breaths and I know sleep is near.  As I lay hunched up uncomfortably on the floor, I suddenly don't notice the hard floor.  For the first time in my busy day, I just sit in silence and take it all in.  It seems this is the closest I'll ever come to stopping the clocks and savoring her childhood and these sacred moments of sleep. 
Super Nanny might drag me off in handcuffs, but I will lay on Cece's floor listening to her sail off into sleep for as long as she keeps requesting it.  Every morning brings me a toddler who always seems to have grown just a little more closer to being a child and I know one day I'll watch her graduate, walk down the aisle, etc. and in my mind I'll revisit the moments of her childhood that slipped so quickly out of my grasp.

Me Time? B-OH-RING.....

Oh, my sweet Cece Lou!  She's been at my husband's parents' house for a few nights and I miss that little stinker!  It's so funny how I sometimes get stressed out and wish I had some time for myself, but as soon as she's gone, I instantly miss her and don't know what to do with myself.  I always think I'll use the time wisely and get writing done or look into ways to lower our percentage rate on our credit cards or finally organize the storage space, but I almost always end up being a lazy turd on the couch. 
Having her here makes me stick to a schedule and it seems I need that now.  When she sleeps I get my down time and that forces me to work hard and diligently because I know it's a small window I'm working with.
I guess my point is, I really don't need all this "me" time I thought I did.  The truth is, I truly love running after her and feeling like I really was active all day and I fall asleep from exhaustion and not boredom.  Being a mom is more fun than it is stressful for me and I never really thought I'd think that.  I thought I was too selfish for that.  My favorite thing since college has been going to a coffee shop and writing.  When Cece is visiting her grandparents, I head straight to the coffee shop and at first I'm giddy with my latte and croissant in front of me.  It doesn't take long, however, for my brain to start reminding me how much I miss her. 
But she is gone still this morning until this afternoon, so I need to use this remaining time wisely by getting some work done, so I can give her my undivided smooches the second she walks in the door. 

Fatty McToddlers

It seems almost impossible to blog about life when you have life happening, if that makes sense. 
I was listening to the radio today on the way home from work and they were talking about fast food and kids.  I'm not totally granola in that I've let Cece go to McDonald's on more than one occassion, BUT I can't imagine giving it to her on a daily basis.  Parents complain that their kids will only eat junk, but where the heck did the kids get the junk?  The parents.  Kids are no different than grown-ups.  If they're hungry and they see a cookie or an apple, they'll pick the cookie.  If they're given an apple with no other choice, they're going to get hungry enough to start eating the apple.  It seems parents are so afraid their kids are going to starve, so they give in and give the kids junk.  Of course these kids are going to start craving horrible foods.  It's just bad parenting, and I hate to sound judgmental, but I do get on a high horse about this.  Sure, we all take shortcuts here and there, but to constantly allow your kids to eat crap?  No way.  I used to work on the Jenny Jones show and I'll never forget for one show it was my job to literally wrangle the fat babies if they got close to the stage's edge.  It was a show about way overweight babies--I'm talking like a 110 pound 4-year old.  The parents thought it was their job to give the kids whatever they wanted whenever they wanted and they found nothing wrong with that.  It's sad b/c it comes from a place of love--the parents want their kids to be happy, but it soon crosses the border into being extremely irresponsible.  Our kids are not supposed to love and adore us at all times.  We're going to make decisions for them that they absolutely hate, but in the long-term it's forming good habits.  Hell, we'd all choose potato chips over steamed broccoli, so we can't expect kids to be any different.
Today Cece was whining that she wanted cereal while I made dinner and I refused b/c there's no way she'd want dinner if she ate that.  So, I just quietly put down a bowl of cooked beets and walked away.  She eventually began eating them.  Whew!  It doesn't always work, but it's all about setting down the rules and making junky food be a special treat instead of the norm. 
I've heard people say they're too busy to cook for their kids, so they have to eat out and I find that so hard to believe.  I'm not saying it's easy, but we as parents have to find time.  It's just so much more than just putting food on the table--it's literally setting your kids up to be healthy adults who make healthy choices in the future.
I know I'm totally ranting and being one of "those moms" but dang, this is a pet peeve of mine.

A Boy is Just Around the Corner

We just got the official news:  we're having a baby boy!  Cece has been telling us from day 1 that it's a boy, and we've been telling her it might be a girl and she always insisted it's a boy.  At our ultrasound yesterday, the tech said, "Well, your daughter's right.  It's a boy."  It was so thrilling to hear those words, and it's funny because it would have been equally as thrilling to hear, "It's a girl!"  I'm really excited to see the difference between raising girls and boys, but I'm also a little nervous.  This is going to sound really neurotic, but I've seen moms go crazy when their sons get married.  I'm convinced this is a biological response that will probably get the best of me too when our son gets married.  I know--talk about worrying about things that haven't happened.  Time and time again, mothers of sons get protective in a way they don't with their daughters and it gets ugly.  So my ongoing goal for raising my son is to teach him how to do everything for himself.  In fact, I'll raise him the same way we're raising our daughter in that we teach her to do things for herself and be strong and loving.  I'm way overthinking the difference between girls and boys.  I had a grandma growing up who is deceased now who clearly preferred my brother to us sisters simply because he was a boy.  So now I'm hell-bent on making sure my son doesn't get preferential treatment just because he's a boy.  It wasn't my brother's fault--my grandma just happened to be old-school and thought boys were literally just superior to girls, so he would always get more money than we would and bigger holiday presents.  So I guess that's sort of stuck with me and now that we're having a son, I'm reminded of it all again.
I really think Cece and her new brother will get along well.  She's got a big tomboy side (the girl's favorite piece of clothing is a black David Bowie t-shirt).  I like the idea of the two of them playing outside getting dirty together.  I need to focus on those little visions instead of hoping I won't turn into angry over-protective mom one day. 
As I'm sitting here I'm realizing what other sort of ugly baggage I have and the other part is that I've seen how horrible boys can treat girls since I've been on the receiving side of it.  I think it's a huge task to teach our son how to treat women and be a gentleman, but I guess that answer to that is to make sure Trey and I have a loving relationship to set a good example.
Man, oh man, can I worry myself to the ground or what?  As long as we all put family, love, and laughter first, we'll have a good chance of raising great kids.  Most people worry they'll have enough money.  Well, I know we don't have a lot of money, so no sense in worrying about that.  I'm more concerned that my kids will thrive and really take the world by its balls and have a lot of fun doing it.

A Silly Little Train Ride

Dang, how cute are toddlers?  It's just ridiculous how cute and sweet they can be as they talk and come up with crazy things.  Cece hung out with her best pal Nate today at the zoo and they rode a kiddie train together all by themselves.  I was over the moon with pride.  How ridiculous is that?  The girl rode a train, not climbed a mountain.  It was just so wonderful to see her and Nate get onto this train and not cry for their parents or feel nervous.  They were laughing and smiling and I kept thinking about how that's what parenting is supposed to be--loving your kids so much that they have confidence to go out there and do things on their own and feel like they have permission to do so.  I know raising kids is chock-full of these moments where I'll find myself being like, "Oh my gosh, she's the same child who was once a tiny baby and now look at her."  I guess that sort of thinking never ends and I'll be thinking that when she's 55.  As new parents we often don't think past the idea of having kids.  We know we want kids, so we have them.  We know it'll be hard work and a lot of money, but one thing we can never truly be schooled on or prepared for is just how much they change you.  Sure, you have to kiss parts of your old life goodbye like having time to yourself,  but it's worth it.  To see these little creatures blossom before your eyes is payoff enough to trade in time in front of the TV or grabbing a cappucino.  Although I have to admit both of those things sound pretty darn good right about now.
Tomorrow morning we find out if our next baby is a boy or girl!  I wanted another girl from day one so Cece could have a close friend, but now I don't care at all.  She can be close friends with a brother, and it might even be better to have that boy influence in her life.  She can teach him to treat women with respect and he can teach her how to be confident and not let boys get the best of her.  Either way, it's going to be a great adventure.

Whole Foods Ride

It's one of my goals to not be a nervous-nelly, over-protective mom. I want Cece to be able to deal with disappointment and hurt and to be tough and self-reliant and not a clingy whiner. That sounds so harsh, but I hope you know what I mean. Of course I want to snuggle up with her and give her smooches as much as possible, but a job of a good parent is to arm a child with the tools they'll need to be strong and independent as they grow up. Constantly protecting a child is a good instinct, but it seems to me it does more harm than good, but I'm guilty of being too protective at times. We were all at Whole Foods yesterday and Cece loves to ride on the carts by standing on the front and holding on while she's facing backwards. I always get nervous because I always foresee her letting go as she reaches for something and crashing to the floor. A lady in the store asked Cece if she was going for a ride and Trey said, "Yeah, she is, but it makes me nervous when she rides like that." The lady asked why we would get nervous--was it because we thought someone else would run into us? I told her I get paranoid that Cece will let go and fall, and the woman said, "So then she falls." A lightbulb went off. I told her, "You're absolutely right. So, she'd fall. The ground is 3 feet away." It's not like I'm going to purposely seek out inappropriate things for my daughter to do just to toughen her up and keep her out of a bubble, but I will definitely find a happy medium where she can test her limits and I can let go of the reigns a little bit.

Slowing Down to Take It All In

So I'm really into the idea of simplifying and slowing down. I often get caught up in to-do lists and juggling a lot of things like everyone else in the world does, but lately I've been trying to take a step back and ask myself why I do that to myself. I'm a neat freak for one thing, so it's virtually impossible for me to sit still if I see something out of place. But if there's one thing a 2-year-old can teach you it's to chill the heck out and just plop down and join in the fun. Women always pride ourselves on multi-tasking and being able to hold it all together, and yes, I can do all that, but I don't want to win a medal for that race. I'd rather slow down and take it all in from time to time. This is hard to do when you're a parent and there's inevitably a million things to do, and add to that being 4.5 months pregnant and juggling trying to sell our condo and getting ready to head back to work in a couple weeks when school starts up....the point is the list goes on and on, but everyone's list goes on and on. If I'm not careful, the endless lists can consume me and being a parent becomes just another check on my list instead of an honor, joy and above all, privilege.
My quest to slow down and appreciate all the goodness in life started a year ago. I was working at a job that was an absolutely horrible fit for me at an investment firm. If you know me, you know how hilarious that is. If you don't know me, let's just say I'm a plane Jane hippie who found herself surrounded in a fancy shmancy world filled with people who put money first and family last. The money was good and reliable, but I would only see my daughter about an hour a night. I swear I could feel my soul sort of shriveling up. Long story short, I got sick and had to be out of work for 3 weeks last year. I had been offered a teaching job at a college months earlier and I kept turning it down b/c it was only part time and the money was not as good. When I was sick, however, I was able to slow down and take a look at the direction my life was going and realize I had to switch gears. My husband and I talked a long time about it and decided it was time to do whatever it took to get off that fast-track train that was doing nobody in our family any good. It's been a challenging path that has forced us to reinvent our lives and goals to put happiness first. The money is following, but we're firm in the fact that it's not as important as time with family.
Working 60 hours a week and letting a nanny raise your kids works for some moms, and I truly don't judge them. I have a hard time understanding them, but I'm sure they feel the same about me. When I was working at the investment firm, I was confiding in some coworkers (who were executives) and I was telling them I was having a hard time dealing with Cece being in daycare and letting someone else raise her. They told me that it was a great thing to have someone else raise her because the hour I get with her is easy. "You just feed her and put her to bed. Someone else has to do all the grunt work and you get to do the fun work." I don't think I'll ever forget that day because it really made me realize I was so out of my element there. Little did they know, I WANTED to do the grunt work. I know these days are so fleeting, so I'm happy to dig in and look like a truck has run me over from not sleeping. I don't want to be handed a powder-fresh, clean baby at the end of the day. I want to be a part of the mess and the mistakes and the memories, so I'm grateful to be teaching part-time now, so I can see so much more of the precious childhood that seems to creep further and further out of reach.
In the spirit of slowing down and basking in day-to-day events, today I caught myself. I had a doctor's appointment because I'm 20 weeks pregnant. Cece came with me because Trey was working. We were done in about 10 minutes, so my first instinct was to hurry home and walk the dog and make dinner. Then I looked up and saw a sign that read "Healing Garden" and I asked Cece if she wanted to go to a garden. It was a gorgeous garden at the hospital with a water fountain and beautiful trees and rocks. We played for about an hour and plopped down in the grass. It was so spontaneous and great because we weren't really doing anything except for being outside and taking it all in. Dinner was on the table late and the dog didn't get his usual long walk, but the world didn't fall apart because I slowed down for an hour to watch my toddler giggle and run in the grass. It's a simple memory that it's etched on my brain and it's simple things like this I'd be missing if I were still running myself into the ground in corporate America. Sure, I'd have more money and would shower every day, but life would be leading nowhere real fast.

Welcome to the Novice Mommy Blog!

So I was taking a walk today with my 2-year-old daughter and dog and I was realizing just how much I think about the actual act of parenting, but how I don't want to be "that" mom who only talks about being a mom. I love being a mom, but it definitely is just a part of who I am. I'm not one of those moms who pretends to have it all figured out nor am I one of those moms who thinks every second of motherhood is glamorous. (Picture me using a spatula to get poop off a cloth diaper yesterday and you'll see what I mean.) I'm a writer, but I don't want all I write about to be about my daughter or domestic life. Maybe that's selfish of me, but hey, so be it. Having a fulfilling adult life can only make me be a better mom, right? So I've decided tonight to start a separate blog just for my thoughts on parenting. I won't get preachy, but I'll definitely set forth some strong opinions from time to time. For the most part, I hope this blog will be filled with antecdotes and helpful hints or just stuff I learn along the way.